I’m so sorry, I would have done anything to save you... A story of miscarriage.
To our baby: we never met you but we love you, I didn’t believe it when I found out about you. I was shaking with adrenaline and excitement. But I also had a small voice that was telling me it was too good to be true and to not get excited until the pregnancy was confirmed, and even then still, to not get too excited until mamma gets through the first trimester because of the dreaded risk of miscarriage.
We decided to tell family about you at just 7 weeks, it was Christmas. I thought telling everyone would make it feel more real and almost create a protective layer of love from anything bad happening to you. Week 8 we went to see you for the first time. I knew you were in there because mamma was oh so tired, hungry every 2 hours, and having bouts of nausea. But I couldn’t wait to hear your heartbeat and the doctor confirmed that you looked healthy.
Deep breath- we made it to 8 weeks successfully and all looked great. Your heart was beating, you looked like the perfect size of a peppercorn. My confidence grew with every day that in just 7 more months, you would be greeting the world and forever changing our lives. We bought the baby books, started telling friends, and at this point all fear of anything happening to you had escaped my mind. I went through waves of emotions as I knew I would have to do less with my growing business this year to make room to take care of you, but I was ready, I am ready. You come before anything.
Friday, January 19th- we entered week 11, all I could think about is were almost through the dreaded first trimester risk of miscarriage, nasty symptoms, and I can’t wait to start showing and tell the world about you. No more secret. We made plans to clear the second bedroom and start preparing it for your arrival in August.
That is the day that everything changed. I had spotting earlier in the day and felt light back cramps like I was going to get my period. I began to worry because this was an all too familiar feeling from back in June when I thought I was pregnant and believe to have had a miscarriage. As I drove home with dinner I started crying in the car. An hour later I woke up in extreme pain and we decided to head to the E.R. immediately. I threw on my college sweatshirt and yoga pants and uggs, no makeup, zitty face and messy hair. We drove to Evergreen E.R. and I was afraid of all the tests that were going to be done, refusing to believe this was the end. It was busy but I was hopeful they could get us in fast. It was midnight. We sat in the waiting room for almost 2 hours, my pain and cramping increased, I couldn’t sit still.
Finally the pain grew to a peak and I felt a flood of fluid rush out of me, uncontrollably. I ran to the bathroom and asked my husband to get a female nurse. My pants were completely soiled...I knew in that instant you were gone but I hoped for a miracle that the doctors could save you. Standing alone in the bathroom, I broke down. I waited for what seemed like 30 min. For the nurse to arrive but she never came. I thought that I saw you...I was almost certain but I could barely look. I’ve never cried so hard in my life or felt so alone in that bathroom. I finally went back to a room and laid on the bed in a pool of blood, scared to move and having to face what happened. Several nurses and hospital staff came in and out before we saw the doctor. Eventually the doctor came and had to do a pelvic exam. I could hear them say things like...tissue, blood clot, scalpel...and I laid there, emotionless and exhausted. My husband was rubbing my head the entire time and standing by my side. I was in that room for almost 4 hours, just staring at the wall because I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. We both knew...no words had to be exchanged. The pelvic exam followed by an ultrasound. More waiting...more cramping, more crying. The doctor came in and said that the results of the ultrasound confirmed that there was no sign of you. He said he was sorry, that we could go home, and left us. We cried….and I couldn’t believe this was happening to us. I went through every thought. I felt like my body failed you, I felt like I failed my husband, it was unfair. I waited this long to have you and in just an instant, that dream was taken from me. Will I ever be able to have you? Will this happen again? I don’t know if I can bear to go through trying to conceive again, feeling guilty that we lost you. I’m so sorry, I would have done anything to save you. We never got to properly meet, but I knew you and I loved you. We love you.
5am we went home. I was emotionally and physically drained and felt utterly defeated. We slept for a couple of hours and I woke up thinking it was all a dream. Hoping that it was, I decided that I wanted to go into Seattle for brunch and try to have a normal day. With every ‘How are you?” from a stranger, I wanted to reply, “terrible, I just lost my baby, im wearing hospital underwear with a diaper pad because I haven’t stopped bleeding”. I accidentally walked into the baby section at the bookstore and had forgotten that I no longer had a reason to. So here we are on day 2 after losing you. I thought it would get easier each day but I go through waves of randomly crying, doing house chores to forget it happened, wanting to tell people for support, not wanting anyone to know, scared about trying to conceive again and wondering if I will be able to keep the next baby. Wondering if I’m emotionally strong for this process again. You gave me purpose, you lit up my life, and I woke up every day with excitement because I was one day closer to meeting you. Now, my purpose is wavering, I feel unmotivated to return to normal life and guilty if I do. We will get through this and come out stronger. But I write this to you to tell you that your mommy and daddy love you and will forever miss you.
Photo credit to Kelly Lemon Photography
Story told by @eatmorecakebycandice